


The Snow Job

by grayspider1974



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M, Oral Sex, a lot of swearing in Fenno Ugrian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-06 23:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13421793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Bjorn settles down for a long winter's night of sordid debauchery, but is given a chilly willy thanks to Kyllikylli





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of Finnish words and phrases:  
> "Perkale"...Damn, "Helvetin kuusotoista"...hell's sixteen, "Veda vittu paahan"...pull a minge to your head (go away) "Ime lekaa"...lick a hammer (suck balls) "Vittu soikoon"...let the minge chime (shit happens)   
> "suksi vittun"...ski to a minge (go away) "Voi vittujen kevat ja kyrpien takatalvi"... oy, the spring of minges and the late winter of cocks (a bloody fine mess this is)

Well, Vikings has finally caught up with me and added a Finnish character. Although properly speaking the Saami are a tribal society rather than a monarchy (so she' not technically speaking a princess) and the name Snafrid is Swedish rather than Finnish and would mean something like "snow friend" but I like her anyway. Bjorn needs a healthy, intelligent woman who will tie him up and gnaw his balls to pieces if he doesn't behave!

"Hey, mind those teeth!" said Bjorn Ragnarsson. He was flat on his back on a bed of reindeer moss and reindeer pelts in a tent made from more reindeer skins having his twin orbs imperial mouthed by Snafrid. She had threatened to chew them, and he hoped she had been joking. So far, his latest bride had only given him a few playful nips and he was really quite enjoying himself...except perhaps that the ropes on his wrists were a little tight. Outside the tent someone's boots crunched in the snow as they walked up to the door of the lavvo and scratched on the door.  
"Um, I'm a little tied up right now!" said Bjorn. He heard a muffled giggle under the pelts, and wished that whoever was crunching about outside the door of the tent would crunch away, but instead someone untied some of the knots that held the door shut, then muttered "Perkale!" and cut the rest. Bjorn yelped as ice cold wind whistled in. The small woman in the big white boots who crouched in the doorway surveyed the scene with a look of disgust and muttered "Helvetin kuusotoista!" then added "I saw Torvig crying her face off, and she said you were here. You just HAD to sleep with my cousin, didn't you?"  
Snafrid released Bjorn's testicles. "Veda vittun paahan, Kyllikylli!"  
Kylli crawled into the tent and smacked Snafrid's behind. "I'd tell you to ime lekaa, but you're already doing so!" Her eyes glittered like ice chips. "Ya know why they call her Snafrid, Bjorn? The Swedes call her that because she's really friendly on cold winter nights. She's porked all of my brothers..."  
"Feh...vittu soikoon!" said Snafrid.  
"...at our last Yuletide party!" Kyllli continued. "She's a filthy wild animal!"  
Snafrid grinned nastily. "Jealous much?" she asked.  
"Bellona's going to go on a rampage," said Kylli "and Torvig is in tears!"  
"I dumped Torvig because I found out she was sleeping with my Mother," said Bjorn. "Turning to the comfort of other women is one thing, but my Mother...eww!" He shrugged as best as he could with his hands tied. "Vittu soikoon, as your people say. And like my marriage to Bellona, this is a politically advantageous union."  
"Politically advantageous union, my sweet Fanny Adams," said Kylli. "You two are a matched set of degenerates!"  
"I think you really are jealous," said Snafrid "and I really would love to meet Bjorn's other wife."  
"Wives," Bjorn corrected. "I managed to track down Thorunn as well. Polygamy is quite common in Constantinople,and you should see the villa I've bought. It has indoor plumbing!"  
"Feh!" said Kylli. "I might as well sukisi vittun!" She crawled out of the tent, muttering "Voi, vittujen kevat ja krypien takatalvi..." This was followed by more crunching about, and a cry of "Ha! Git,git git...." followed by the sound of a reindeer bellowing as the tent collapsed around the pair of lovers, exposing their nude flesh to the frigid air outside. Kyllikylli sat astride her reindeer, glaring down at the with eyes like winter stars. It was plain that she had used her mount to pull down the tent, and as she rode off whooping into the night with half the dogs in the Saami camp yammering in her wake, her cousin giggled.  
"Every family has at least one member who's hot to trot," said Snafrid "and one who's socially awkward and drinks too much and does batshit crazy things. I've learned to live with it."  
'I don't think I'll ever learn to live with Ivar," Bjorn said glumly. "And now my balls are cold. When we get back inside, will you warm them for me?


	2. Great Balls of Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bishop Heahmund learns that while Bjorn can forgive a man for coveting his wives's asses, he will not forgive anyone with designs on his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Norse would have used saunas rather than the tub baths that they're always wallowing in on Vikings...but I believe that the reason for this inaccuracy is because many people outside of Northern Europe have rather funny ideas about public nudity. The sauna is used to bathe and to socialize, but in former times it was also used for births, medical examinations, et cetera because it was the one place that was kept absolutely sterile.  
> Turkish Pepper probably was not invented in Norse times, but there are videos of North Americans tasting Finnish candy on Youtube, and they're usually pretty funny!

The women started tearing off Bishop Heahmund's clothes, muttering about the way he smelled. "Don't Saxons EVER bathe?" asked the shorter girl. "The pair of missionaries from Caledonia would at least go sit under a waterfall from time to time...but you stink!"  
"It promotes indolence and evil humours," said the Bishop. "or so I was told."  
"Well, your body odour puts ME in a bad humour, so in the sauna you go!" The girl had strange, colourless eyes like melted silver dropped in a bucket of water, and from the soles of her white boots to the top of her double-peaked hat she was less than five feet tall. Her companion was taller, but they looked enough alike that they were probably related. They hustled Heahmund into a tiny, dark hut that was already full of steam, then someone threw a ladle of water on a curious stove that had a tray of river stones on top of it, and the hut filled with even more steam. Heahmund realized that he was now trapped in an enclosed space with an extremely large muscular naked man whose blond plaits reached his waist, and although Bjorn Ironside, son of Ragnar Lothbrook beamed in a cordial fashion and offered him a clay bottle from the bucket of ice on the floor under the benches, the Bishop was terrified. The two girls who had taken his clothes entered, carrying bundles of green birch twigs, and began thrashing the men almost violently. They both bore this in stoic silence until Bjorn finally spoke.  
"I have something to say to you, Your Grace, and I believe this is the best place to say such thingsbecause it is difficult for a man to lie when he is naked. You see, we have had Christian priests in Kattegat before. I sent the two from Caledonia away with my first and second wives before this present unpleasantness with my brothers. Before them, we had Aethelstan. He was a kindly, wise and pious man and Father and I both loved him..."  
"Oh, sweet Priapic Christ!" thought Heahmund. "Is he talking about The Sin That Dare Not Speak Its Name?"  
"....though not in the Greek way." Bjorn continued. "Indeed, Aethelstan's greatest sin was that he had impure thoughts about women..." The smaller woman held a handful of dried, green buds over the rocks, but Bjorn shook his head. "Not tonight, Kylli. I need a clear head." The taller woman slithered across the upper bench and kissed Bjorn on the mouth. She was totally nude, and stunningly beautiful, and Heahmund's cock stood on end. "This is my third wife, Snafrid. At any rate, I know that it is a terrible thing for a Christian to covet another man's wife, especially if he is a priest. It is also why Athelstan was murdered, because one of Father's friends was a petty, jealous man who thought that Aethelstan had designs on his wife. I know that while Aethelstan had impure thoughts about married women, he never acted on such thoughts while he was here in Kattegat, so I forgave him." Snafrid took a delicate comb made from narwhal ivory and began grooming her husband while he talked "...but I can never forgive any man who lusts after my mother. My mother is a passionate and generous woman at heart, and she is far too trusting of the men she beds. Every one of them has proven treacherous."  
"The women, too!" added Kylli. "Torvig and Astrid are a pair of bitches!"  
"Torvig hasn't betrayed Mother," said Bjorn.  
"She's betrayed YOU, Big Guy!" said Kylli. "I'm gonna go cool off now!" She bustled out of the sauna.   
"At any rate," Bjorn continued "my mother is a trusting woman, but I don't share her trust in you. I see the way you look at her, and I know she is a fine looking woman for her age, but you are no older than I am and I suspect that though you seem an innocent dove you are in fact a poisonous snake of a man who seeks to sway my Mother to his will. His face was calm and his voice level, but Bjorn Ironside's eyes were like ice. "Tell His Grace what your people do to the male reindeer to make them more agreeable, Snafrid!" He grabbed Heahmund and spun him around to face his wife. His arms were like two tattooed pythons.   
Snafrid smiled demurely. She had a lush, sensuous mouth and beautiful teeth. "The men hold the male reindeer down, and the women chew their balls to pieces inside the scrotal sac," she said. "Sometimes we do it to our shamans, because it makes it easier to keep their chastity oaths."  
Bjorn clamped a hand over the Bishop's mouth before he could scream and said "Remember, Your Grace that this too shall pass." as his wife knelt and took Heahmund's balls in her mouth.

Snafrid emerged from the sauna and jumped in the lake, then towelled off and got dressed. Her cousin Kylli sidled up and offered her a swig of vodka from her jug and one of those Finnish candies known as Turkish Pepper, which taste awful but are the only thing that will banish the after-taste of testicles from one's mouth. "It was tough going," she said. "His balls were extra chewy."  
"I hope he will behave himself now," said Kylli. "It's shameful to see a holy man carry on like he did."  
"He will," said Snafrid, taking another swig of vodka "and after seeing such a thing happen, so will Bjorn!'


	3. Sides of Iron, Balls of Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bjorn learns why one of Harald's nicknames is "Hadrada"...the Hard Rider!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finnish Words and Phrases:  
> "Koira"--dog (non gender specific) "Poikse Suomi"--do you speak Finnish? "Un tac"--a little "Kyrpa otassa" (to have a cock on one's forehead) to be extremely angry  
> Harald Finehair has other nicknames that are never used on the show. One is Bluetooth (the Bluetooth device is actually named after him) another is "the Lousy" (commonly used by his detractors), and my favorite is Hadrada, which can be translated as "hard rider" or "hard ass"

"Go ahead!" shouted Harald Finehair. "Do your worst! I know what you did to the Bishop, and I'm not afraid! Ime lekaa, koira!"   
"Poikse Suomi?" Snafrid asked with a puzzled look.  
"Un tac," said Harald. "I've learned a few phrases here and there, to pass away the long winter nights. What's the matter, sweetie? You seem kyrpa otassa. But go on....you and your hubby have me right where you want me, so chew my balls off. That way, I'll have fucked Bjorn Ironside's mother and have put my balls in his wife's mouth! They'll sing songs about THAT for centuries!"  
"I fucked Astrid before she became your wife," said Bjorn.  
"Dry as a bone, ain't she?" Harald asked, grinning nastily. "I think your Mum was a better lay, even though she's starting to look like Granny Old Age. Did you fuck Halfdan too? I knew that big hairy tulip fell in love with you as soon as he saw you!"  
Bjorn stared down at him unblinking. "I got him tied up, Snafrid. Do with him as you will!"  
Snafrid smiled, knelt at Harald's feet and took his balls in her mouth. After a while, she paused. "His balls are like rocks!" she said to Bjorn. "I can't chew them!"  
"That's right, sweetie!" said Harald. "Your hubby may have sides of iron, but I have balls of granite. That's why they call me Harald Hadrada...it means Hard Rider!"   
Snafrid stared up at him for a moment or two, then popped a Turkish Pepper in her mouth, and smiled a bit too sweetly. "Go get a sledgehammer, Bjorn!" she said.


	4. Vittu Soikoon IMazel Tov!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I jew up Vikings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Khazars were an extensive trading empire centered at Itil on the shore of the Caspian Sea. Much of their ruling elite were Jewish, and their coins stamped with the motto "Moses is the Glory of God" have been found in Norse tombs, and they are probably the origins of the Finnish term to be "sold to the Russians" as they did a brisk trade in amber, furs and slaves with the Rus vikings.  
> "Barak Khazad! Khazad ai-minu! Al-Adonai ai-minu!..." The opening line of the Song of Barak, which may be translated as "As Barak speaks, so the people speak, so the Lord speaks!" My Hebrew is even worse than my Finnish, and the other phrases I use here are all Yiddish terms that have entered the English language, except for "vittu soikoon," which you already know!  
> Of course, I couldn't write this without referring to my two favorite Jewish actors, David Duchoveny and Leonard Nimoy. Boldly go where no one has gone before, because The Truth Is Out There!

Bjorn Ironside woke to the sound of thunder, but it was not a storm coming in from the sea that he heard, but the thundering of thousands upon thousands of hooves and many voices singing in unison. "Barak Khazad! Khazad ai-minu! Al-Adonai ai-minu!" A vast army of mounted archers had surrounded Kattegat, flying banners blazoned with the words "Moses is the glory of God" written in a script that looked like dancing flames which of all the people in Kattegat only Bjorn could read now that Nate the Belligerent Butcher of Byzantium was dead. His half-brother Hvitserk rode at its head, accompanied by a stern-looking lady in a black fox fur coat and hat.  
"Hello, Hvitserk," Bjorn said, "I haven't seen you since I captured Harald Finehair. How's Ivar?"  
Hvitserk shrugged. "Feh! He's Ivar. He will always be Ivar. At any rate, you're not the only son of Ragnar who can make a politically advantageous marriage. May I introduce Princess Iron Box of the Khazar Confederacy?" The lady in the fur hat nodded curtly. "These are her legal team, the firm of Duchovney and Nimoy...." Two men in rich but conservatively coloured robe rode up on camels and bowed in their saddles "and this is her army of Khazarim and Yidim." There was a mighty roar from the mounted archers as they shouted "L'CHAIM!" in unison. "We are going to sort out the fekafta mess your mother created when she killed my mother and usurped the throne" Hvitserk said, grinning in a way that made him look remarkably like his younger brother Ivar "either legally or through armed combat. Take your pick!" There was another mighty roar, and cries of "let's kill this putz!"  
"Mazel tov on the blessed event," said Bjorn. "It is rare that a Nice Jewish Girl will marry one of us goyim. But why do they call her Iron Box?"  
Iron Box rapped her crotch gently with her fist. It chimed faintly, and Hvitserk's grin widened until you could nearly see his back teeth. "She wears a chastity belt, to which only I have a key, and she makes me wear one too. Your Saami nutcracker's not going to get at my crown jewels any time soon!   
Bjorn and Snafrid exchanged a Meaningful Look. "I guess THAT is where the term 'vittu soikoon' comes from!" he said at last.


End file.
